Is It Possible to Date a Family Friend
Dating a friend is widely recognized to be a pursuit fraught with potential complications. If information technology works out, not bad — but if it doesn't, well, in that location's a skilful adventure the friendship won't survive unscathed. I learned this lesson the hard mode when I started dating a friend in high schoolhouse. Not only were we good friends, just our families were also extremely shut and had been for years.
When we bankrupt upward nine months later, all the usual mail-breakdown clumsiness and bitterness were multiplied tenfold by the fact that nosotros were forced to hang out whenever our families got together, which was often.
On the flip side, when we rekindled the flame afterward college, our friendship and the friendship between our families became i of the best parts virtually our more than-than-friendship. Nosotros had a shared history, our siblings adored each other and nosotros even went on a few joint-family unit vacations.
Having personally experienced both the positives and the negatives of dating a friend, I'll say this: there are few things more precious than a friendship that becomes more than a friendship, but there are besides few things more painful than losing a romantic relationship and a friendship simultaneously. The stakes are uniquely high.
To commemorate the end of Friendship Month at Man Repeller, I interviewed v couples who braved the stakes and went from "friends" to "more than friends." Below, their thoughts on what that leap was similar.
Ashley and Kelly
How long were you lot friends before you became "more than friends"?
Kelly: We were proficient ol' way friends from the fall of 2010 to the fall of 2011. We started dating in the fall of 2011. Then we were friends with benefits until I moved to Seattle, and and then dorsum to just friends until October of 2013.
Ashley: We met in a college class and slowly became friends. He made me express joy a lot, but I was very suspicious of him. He seemed mischievous in a way I wasn't. And he was a white boy with a slight country accent who drove a option-up truck. I assumed he'd be more than into a woman who reminded him of Taylor Swift.
How long have you been together as "more friends"?
Ashley: We hooked up for a semester in college, and then spent about two years being more often than not just friends again while he did an internship in NY (I was nonetheless based in Indiana) so moved to Seattle. Later on a year in Seattle he came dorsum to Indiana to visit, and we decided to endeavour and appointment for existent. That was about three and a half years agone.
Was the transition a weird at first, or completely natural/inevitable-feeling?
Ashley: We talked so much near every decision and all of our feelings so that even when it felt weird, it quickly went back to not feeling weird. When he showed up in Indiana the last time, I was terrified to effort and date Anybody for existent. But it quickly felt natural and right after all that talking and sharing.
Kelly: I believe we handled the evolution of our relationship very consciously. Cypher felt weird to me, merely the transitions didn't just happen on their own. At each new betoken, we ever had a conversation to detect out where we were and how nosotros felt.
I think that viewing relationships as an inevitable matter that happens between two people who are attracted to each other takes away from the emotional vulnerability, and work, that goes into building strong commitments.
What's your couple backstory?
Ashley: We met in a seminar that was gear up up like a production company, and I was his boss. Nosotros had a good time together as buds. About a year later, later catastrophe a terrible relationship and getting fired from my job, I went to a political party at his house. He asked if everyone wanted to go four-wheeling, and I said I did. That ended upwardly being our kickoff engagement.
Kelly: She didn't really know it was supposed to exist a date.
Ashley: The 2nd time around, after he'd lived in Seattle, he but showed up on my doorstep and kissed me. Then he asked if I was seeing anybody. We've been together since that day.
Practice you believe in the When Harry Met Sally adage that two people who are attracted to each other can't stay "just friends"?
Ashley: I'm bisexual, and if this were true, I wouldn't have whatever friends. I think all of my friends are hot. And I have been attracted to virtually of them at some signal or some other, just non in a style that I could or wanted to sustain. So, I didn't.
Kelly: I think that viewing relationships as an inevitable thing that happens between ii people who are attracted to each other takes away from the emotional vulnerability, and piece of work, that goes into building strong commitments. Also, information technology really doesn't say much for platonic friendship if you can just be friends with people y'all aren't attracted to.
What'southward the best part (or parts) about dating/existence engaged or married to your friend?
Kelly: The person I desire to hang out with most is right side by side to me when I wake up.
Ashley: No matter where I am or what I'm doing, if I'yard with Kel, we can plow information technology into a skilful time. We don't just similar each other, we also similar A LOT of the aforementioned stuff. And we introduce each other to new things all the time. Plus, he's fun to talk to almost anything because he's animated, opinionated and hilarious.
If your friend doesn't share those feelings, don't be angry with them. This isn't a betrayal. It'due south but a difference in feeling.
Any drawbacks?
Kelly: Well, you spend as much fourth dimension together as you possibly can, eventually y'all go irritated for pretty much no reason.
Ashley: We sometimes get stuck in our niggling chimera, merely seeing each other, just talking to each other, merely hanging out together, and it's fun for a actually long time. Until it isn't. Then we're annoyed with each other. One of our goals this twelvemonth is to spend more time with other people because nosotros demand that to avert some of those moments when we're staring at each other and thinking, "OMG, Go Abroad!"
What advice would yous give to someone who's started developing feelings for a friend?
Kelly: Talk to your friend, come across how they feel, and go from in that location. Be prepared for it not to go your style and that existence just friends with this person is probably a whole lot better than non knowing them anymore.
Ashley: Accept your time with the feeling, and gear up yourself to be extremely vulnerable. Also, if your friend doesn't share those feelings, don't be aroused with them. This isn't a betrayal. It'southward only a deviation in feeling. Try to know if y'all can live with that, and if you lot can't, exist honest nearly it.
Maggie and Brice
How long were y'all friends before y'all became "more than friends"?
Maggie: Well-nigh a decade. He was e'er the standard against which I measured other men, and nosotros dated a chip when nosotros were younger. I would have liked it to be more and then, merely it wasn't, so we became friends. I was always very proud to telephone call him a friend.
Brice: I always harbored a greater appreciation and respect for Maggie than "just a friend."
How long accept yous been together every bit "more friends"?
Maggie: The best year of my life. (So far.)
Brice: We could say we've been together for a twelvemonth, but we could as well say we've non been apart for eight or nine or 10 in many ways.
A decade of dating in NYC can teach you a lot nigh yourself.
Was the transition weird at starting time, or completely natural/inevitable-feeling?
Maggie: Brice had moved to LA. I was in New York, building AYR. The visitor had only gone through some big milestones and I was totally fried. Pretty much out of the blueish, he said, 'Expect, I need to get out of boondocks. I'thousand booking a flight to New Orleans for this weekend. Are yous coming?' I didn't even recall about it. We both needed an adventure. The moment we saw each other – we hadn't seen each other in a while – it was on. It felt like being on drugs. Everything was The Best. I was struck by this visceral awareness, like 'This is The Point. Of being alive.' It was real life, better than I could accept imagined. It simply fabricated total sense, and was a consummate surprise at the same time.
Brice: I should have been with Maggie since '08, only and so again, I suspect I am better because of the experiences in between. I'm sure she, recalling '08 Brice, would agree. A decade of dating in NYC tin can teach you a lot about yourself.
What'south your couple backstory?
Brice: [Defers to Maggie]
Maggie: We met at our starting time job. Nosotros both went to work for J.Crew straight out of schoolhouse – he was in men'due south blueprint, I was in women's merchandising. We sought each other out, dated, so became friends. We were friends for a long time. Nosotros'd find ourselves in the same city – Los Angeles, or Paris – because of our work, and nosotros'd grab upward. I'd ask him for career advice, he'd ask me for relationship advice. We dated different people, made other friends, had our ain adventures, grew up.
Do you believe in the When Harry Met Emerge adage that 2 people who are attracted to each other can't stay "but friends"?
Brice: I don't subscribe to that conventionalities. That aphorism is sweeping and reductive. I respect friendship more than than a fleeting escapade. That being said, yes, some people (read: men) tin can't not try and sleep with their attractive female "friends," I'm only not that guy.
Maggie: I believe in it to the extent that when you realize yous want to spend the residual of your life with somebody, yous want the rest of your life to offset as soon equally possible. Also, that Mallomars are the greatest cookie of all time.
The relationships I admire nearly are ones in which both people are freakishly into each other, and the manner they communicate — their humor, their empathy — is mirrored equally.
What's the best function (or parts) almost dating/existence engaged or married to your friend?
Brice: Fundamentally, I believe a partner — be they hubby, married woman, girlfriend or swain — is first and foremost a friend. If the characteristics of a good partner were depicted in a word cloud, with the nigh important characteristics beingness the biggest, "friend" should overshadow the balance. In my past relationships, it didn't, and ultimately that's why they didn't piece of work out. The relationships I admire most are ones in which both people are freakishly into each other, and the way they communicate — their humor, their empathy — is mirrored as. Being with Maggie, I'm having that experience for the first time.
Maggie: Before I got together with Brice, I'd actually been saying for a while that I needed to date someone who 'already knows me.' Who I am is not for anybody, but I have no interest in being anything other than myself. I recollect the best affair virtually falling in dear with a friend is that yous both go into it with complete acceptance – and appreciation and admiration – for each other. At that place's a level of security, confidence and condolement that's impossible to create in an instant. Those things accept to be earned, built over fourth dimension. Nosotros were lucky to kickoff with that base.
Whatever drawbacks?
Brice: Nope.
Maggie: Nope.
What communication would yous give to someone who'south started developing feelings for a friend?
Brice: Do something about it.
Maggie: Book a flight to New Orleans.
Dom and Nick
How long were y'all friends before y'all became "more friends"?
Dom: We were friends for about three years before before we became "more than friends." We met as teenagers and hung out a few times but mainly kept in touch via Myspace (yes Myspace, haha) and Facebook.
Nick: I really credit social media with allowing united states to fifty-fifty accept a friendship. Nosotros didn't go to the same schoolhouse or live in the same neighborhood, then if we weren't able to communicate via Myspace and AIM, who knows if nosotros would've reconnected later and started dating?
How long have you been together as "more friends"?
Dom: We reconnected in person on the weekend of Fourth of July in 2010. Nick was visiting Orlando to help a friend motion into her college dorm. I was going into my junior twelvemonth at the same university, and Nick reached out to me and asked if I wanted to hang out. We hadn't seen each other for at least two years, but I'd never forgotten the kinship nosotros had when we met as teenagers, so I said sure. Things moved apace afterwards we met up. Nosotros decided we wanted to be "more than friends," and on July 17th, we officially got together. We've been pretty much inseparable for the past seven years.
Building and nurturing a relationship that survives all the hiccups is not as easy as movies lead us to believe.
Was the transition weird at first, or completely natural/inevitable-feeling?
Dom: The transition was both natural and inevitable-feeling. From the very kickoff, we realized how much nosotros had in mutual, and how like our life plans were. It's rare to feel such a deep physical, emotional and spiritual connectedness with someone at such a young age. I knew there was something special between us.
Nick: Ironically, the weirdest thing about dating each other was discovering how much we actually had in common. We are both obsessed with the testify Girlfriends (from the early on 2000s) and can quote information technology incessantly. We also both prefer to watch movies with subtitles, which is so odd and we both hesitated earlier admitting it to each other.
What'south your couple backstory?
Dom: 6 out of the seven years we've been together were long-distance. As I mentioned, nosotros started dating in July of 2010, and Nick moved to Kentucky for college that August. We spent the entire night earlier he moved away to higher cuddled on the steps of a lifeguard house on the beach (nosotros went at that place often at night to talk and listen to the bounding main), and I remember telling him, "Nosotros will be expert. We will exist better than proficient. We will be keen." Since that night, we have always gotten through crude times in our relationship past saying those words to each other, and truly assertive them. For six years, the closest nosotros lived was a four-hour bus ride between D.C. and New York, and the farthest we lived was a vii-hour flying between London and New York. The weeks and months we spent autonomously felt like centuries, and the short weekends and long holidays we spent together felt similar minutes, just every time we got to see each other, I was reminded of why I would wait a lifetime to spend simply a moment with Nick.
Nick: I'll add that while the long-distance aspect could accept weakened our relationship, it actually strengthened information technology. It forced us to appreciate the footling affair (calls, texts etc.) and cherish the limited in-person time we had when we were together. When you spend every day together, it's like shooting fish in a barrel to overlook that kind of stuff.
I call up y'all tin be attracted to multiple people over the form of your life, just it's all about timing.
Practice you believe in the When Harry Met Sally adage that two people who are attracted to each other can't stay "simply friends"?
Dom: No, I think two people who are attracted to each other tin stay "but friends." Building and nurturing a relationship that survives all the hiccups is non as like shooting fish in a barrel as movies lead us to believe. Information technology requires purposeful, consistent attention in addition to intendance, patience, understanding, willingness to grow and compromise. The initial attraction is just the tip of the iceberg.
Nick: I agree. I call up yous can be attracted to multiple people over the course of your life, but it'due south all about timing. If you have a strong connection with someone and the timing is right, there'due south a ameliorate chance that attraction could lead to more. Dom and I could accept stayed friends forever, only the timing to accept it across that was right for united states of america.
What's the best part (or parts) about dating/beingness engaged or married to your friend?
Dom: Knowing I have the space and security to be imperfectly me. When I am with Nick, I know that I can make mistakes. I can be corny, I tin be incorrect (he actually loves when I'm incorrect, haha) and I tin can exist who I am. Equally a black human, peculiarly 1 of Caribbean descent, there are harsh pressures to conform to a multifariousness of heteronormative conceptions well-nigh masculinity, but that rubric doesn't leave room for my entire identity. The human relationship Nick and I accept built is stiff plenty to withstand those pressures and allows the states to exist ourselves, unapologetically.
Nick: Planning a wedding is also and then much more fun when you're engaged to someone who'southward first and foremost your friend. We both bask the aforementioned fashion of political party, and so nosotros haven't had any disagreement or clashes. To me, the seamlessness of this process and so far is farther proof that I am marrying the correct guy.
Any drawbacks?
Dom: Sharing the bathroom and the mirror.
Nick: Ditto. Nosotros really demand a bigger bathroom.
What advice would you give to someone who's started developing feelings for a friend?
Dom: Inquire yourself what y'all're looking for (e.chiliad. A relationship? Marriage? A friends-with-benefits situation?). Yous may not know what y'all desire, which is okay, but you lot should still communicate that to this person and find out what they want. Exist open up and honest, and communicate as much as possible.
Nick: Tell them! It's always sad to hear a story in which ane friend is hopelessly pining after another merely hasn't told them. If you don't speak upwardly, you're either robbing yourself of a "more than than friends" human relationship with that person, or you lot're robbing yourself of the adventure to move on if they don't reciprocate your feelings.
Amanda and Hans
How long were you friends before you became "more than friends"?
Amanda: 6 months.
Hans: An intense six months. We met while studying abroad in Greatcoat Town. We lived in the aforementioned house full of international students.
How long have you been together as "more than friends"?
Amanda: 8 years?
Hans: That sounds almost right.
Was the transition a weird at first, or completely natural/inevitable-feeling?
Hans: It definitely felt inevitable, just it was a bit weird at first. We were and so shut equally friends and spent a lot of time together. Plus, we were traveling and working in East Africa, so information technology was sort of a sensory overload to begin with. I guess I'm drawn to taking on lot at once.
Amanda: Definitely inevitable, but there were a few awkward moments in the beginning we laugh about now.
There was a natural attraction, only to stay more than friends, nosotros had to brand a conscious selection to arrive work. There were so many hard factors.
What's your couple backstory?
Hans: I'll selection up where we left off in Cape Boondocks. The semester was coming to an end and we grew super close as friends, so nosotros each separately devised ways to stay together longer — like we both got internships in Nairobi.
Amanda: I had a large beat on Hans and all of our friends knew — except Hans, of class. I devised a trip to Eastward Africa and invited him to come along. He didn't hesitate.
Hans: On our mode to Nairobi, we traveled through Tanzania to Zanzibar (otherwise known as the most postcard-perfect romantic spot in the earth). That's where we became more than friends.
Amanda: I remember messaging my friends and saying, "Guys, it FINALLY happened."
Do you lot believe in the When Harry Met Sally adage that two people who are attracted to each other can't stay "merely friends"?
Amanda: There was a natural attraction, merely to stay more than friends, nosotros had to make a conscious choice to make it work. In that location were then many hard factors. I lived in Vancouver, he was living in Wisconsin, etc. We didn't just fall into a relationship — information technology took piece of work. And still does!
Hans: I don't really believe in what Billy Crystal a.k.a. Harry said. I think people can be attracted to ane another and stay friends. There are lots of bonny people in the world, and it'southward not hard to make friendly pocket-size talk almost bagels or the weather, merely finding truthful compatibility is a whole different abortion.
Amanda: Nonetheless neat dialogue in that movie.
Hans: And City Slickers was okay.
What's the all-time part (or parts) near dating/being engaged or married to your friend?
Hans: We laugh a lot and share so many memories. Does that employ to every couple, though? Since we were friends commencement, there was never a "first engagement" vibe — we kind of went straight into the good stuff.
Amanda: We share so many friendships that nosotros built before nosotros were "together." It's actually squeamish to have people in our lives that have known us separately as individuals and together equally a couple.
Hans: Anybody likes her more.
Any drawbacks?
Hans: None really come up to mind for me. Fifty-fifty though we were friends for a while, at that place was always an allure and a courtship even if it was through the channel of friendship. I was more subtle and strategic, but Amanda was pretty edgeless. The kickoff thing she e'er said to me when we met around a crowded dinner table was, "Wow, you olfactory property nice." She said information technology merely a chip besides loudly, so everyone heard and stopped talking and laughed. That's when I knew nosotros would be more than but friends, but it took a while. The filibuster was definitely a drawback.
Amanda: I didn't know nosotros would exist more than friends. I just thought you smelled expert.
We share and so many friendships that nosotros built before we were "together." It's really nice to have people in our lives that have known u.s. separately as individuals and together as a couple.
What advice would you lot give to someone who'south started developing feelings for a friend?
Amanda: Information technology's a loftier-risk, high-reward scenario. Go on that in mind earlier you lot go for it.
Hans: If yous're developing feelings for a friend, take it irksome and like shooting fish in a barrel. Explore those feelings and spend lots of time getting to know the different sides of your friend earlier yous brand a move. Effort to spend time with them in all types of situations — non just the fun ones. You lot'll get a amend idea of what type of partner they'll brand. We took a road trip with a few other friends early, and nosotros had to exercise a lot of problem-solving.
Amanda: Definitely travel together. Information technology'southward the quickest manner to see different sides of someone's personality.
Hans: Amanda held it downward on our route trip. We got a apartment tire on a dirt road in Namibia while driving a very sick-equipped Volkswagen. We inverse the tire together, then dug the motorcar out of what was actually quicksand a few days later. Best of all, nosotros somehow kept our impairment deposit.
Amanda: On all of our adventures Hans keeps u.s.a. laughing, fifty-fifty when there are hiccups and flat tires.
Hans: If you can find a friend like that who you lot're attracted to, make a move.
Jill and Alex
How long were you lot friends before you became "more than friends"?
Alex: We met the summer heading into high school.
Jill: And quickly became best friends, then nosotros were "just friends" for about eight years.
How long have y'all been together equally "more than than friends"?
Jill: Eight years at present!
Alex: It finally happened during the summertime of 2009.
I believe if at that place'due south a certain level of maturity, you can be attracted to someone and remain friends. People tend to come across it every bit very black and white, only I think there can exist a blur to the line.
Was the transition weird at first, or completely natural/inevitable-feeling?
Alex: At first there was some hesitancy considering of our friendship and our shared grouping of friends. Other than that it was felt very natural.
Jill: Yeah, it felt pretty inevitable for me, likewise. There were times during both high school and higher that we about dated, then when we finally got together it was heady. As Alex alluded, the simply tricky was announcing that we were dating, because we shared the same core group of friends (although well-nigh of them claimed to sense that they already knew it was going to happen.)
Alex: Information technology didn't really surprise besides many people.
What'due south your couple backstory?
Alex: Subsequently we met the summer heading into high school, we quickly brutal into the aforementioned group of friends (and we're all still friends to this solar day). We were definitely shut throughout loftier school, only nosotros never crossed the line beyond friendship.
Jill: Nosotros were freshman gym-class square-dancing partners, though! (Yes, that really happened). Honestly, in that location's never been a time when I haven't felt comfortable with Alex. I recollect we've always shared a mutual attraction (I for sure had a crush), and as far back as I can recollect, we were remained close. Nosotros virtually dated once in high school and again during college, but nosotros concluded up with other people instead. However, we however visited each other in college and spent time together whenever we were on vacation from schoolhouse, so the friendship component was e'er there.
Alex: Later on college, we were both unmarried again, and I was getting my masters at Temple University in Philadelphia while Jill was living and working in New York. I started visiting her every bit ofttimes as I could, despite working total-time and finishing school. Once I graduated, I made a serious effort to discover a chore in New York so we could move in together. That's when it all vicious into place.
Jill: In one case we finally became "more than friends," we never looked back.
Alex: Nosotros've lived in the same flat on the Upper East Side ever since, and the neighborhood has been a big part of our lives. It's similar a map that shows the history of our relationship, from our favorite bars and restaurants to the spot in Central Park where I proposed to her.
It can be tough to open up upward to someone you've merely only started dating, but when you've already been friends with someone for virtually 10 years, in that location'southward really no going backward.
Practice yous believe in the When Harry Met Sally adage that two people who are attracted to each other can't stay "just friends"?
Jill: Nah, I call back that'south silly. I believe if there'south a certain level of maturity, y'all can exist attracted to someone and remain friends. People tend to see it as very black and white, just I think there tin can be a blur to the line.
Alex: I'1000 going to be honest and say I've never seen the pic, just the idea makes sense I suppose.
What's the best part (or parts) about dating/being engaged or married to your friend?
Jill: There are and so many, but the showtime affair that e'er comes to mind is that information technology's but so piece of cake. When we moved in together, I expected this huge emotional 'shift' or weird feeling to ready in that I'd have to effort and kick, but it was totally seamless, as if we'd always been living together. We were already aware of each other's emotional ins and outs, and then nosotros knew how to have hard conversations without yelling or fighting. There's always a certain level honesty that's congenital-in. Also, considering there's such a solid friendship at the base of operations of our relationship, we genuinely love spending time together and can have equally much fun alone as we do with groups of friends. We've basically grown up with one another, so in that location's a silliness to our behavior when we're together (my mother frequently shakes her caput at usa). Alex is my safe infinite, the person I turn to in order to go away from everything else. In that location'south no one we wait out for more than one some other. In the end, I think that a love based in friendship is a deeper kind of love, one that I didn't know existed until I experienced it.
Alex: Jill knows the real me. There's no hiding. Information technology keeps me honest merely also allows me to open up more and build on that preexisting foundation. Information technology can be tough to open upwardly to someone you've only just started dating, just when y'all've already been friends with someone for well-nigh 10 years, at that place's really no going backward. Just thinking about all of the things you've said and washed in front of this person makes any new stuff less intimidating to share. I retrieve our rhythm and rapport are the two things I dearest about about our relationship, but I am non always conscious of either, because both have always come up so easily thanks to our friendship.
Whatever drawbacks?
Jill: Not for me.
Alex: Nope.
What advice would you requite to someone who's started developing feelings for a friend?
Jill: There are a lot of variables. The longer you've been friends, the trickier it tin can exist — only also the more rewarding. You just have to be honest and open with one another the whole way through. That'south fundamental. If you're compatible plenty to exist friends, and y'all have a mutual attraction, the hazard of crossing that line can absolutely be worth it.
Alex: Don't question it, just exist prepared for things to get serious fast.
Photos by Savanna Ruedy and Edith Immature.
Source: https://repeller.com/dating-a-friend-advice/
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